Hey guys.

After 2 weeks in the nicer parts of this country, it’s all back to routine Joburg life. Well, not for long, though - as the next holiday is lurking at the horizon already. Let me get my ducks in a row, work a bit for a change and then I’ll post stuff again.

Cheers.
T.

• Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Gauteng driver never uses them.
• Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled by two Golfs, a BMW and an Uno, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
• The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
  Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will only result in you being rear-ended.
• Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to stretch your legs.
• Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It’s a good way to check if the people entering the highway are awake.
• Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a guideline. They are especially not applicable in Gauteng during rush hour. That’s why it’s called ‘rush hour…’.
• Just because you’re in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a Gauteng driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.
  Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. Never stop to help - you will be mugged.
• Learn to swerve abruptly. Gauteng is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to the Metro Police Department, which puts holes in key locations to test drivers’ reflexes and keep them on their toes.
• It is traditional in Gauteng to honk you horn at cars that don’t move the instant the light turns green. This prevents storks from building nests on top of the traffic light and minahs from making deposits on your car.
• Remember that the goal of every Gauteng driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.
  In the Gauteng area, “flipping someone the bird” is considered a polite Gauteng salute. This gesture should always be returned.
• On average, at least three cars can still go through an intersection after the light has turned red. It’s people not adhering to this basic principal that causes the big traffic jams during rush hour.
• A solid white line is the same as a staggered line in Gauteng. The Metro Police Department just have to save paint to buy new cars for all the new directors.
• A solid white line next to a staggered line means they have sorted the directors out and the paint contract has been awarded to their wives.

If it wasn’t so sad it would actually be funny…

Torsten